


The Last Will and Testament of Lord Voldemort

by Lyndotia (Disenchantress)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Voldemort's POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-14 12:18:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5743594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Disenchantress/pseuds/Lyndotia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What Voldemort's will might look like, had he ever deigned to write one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Last Will and Testament of Lord Voldemort

_Discovered only hours ago, buried among thousands of mismatched socks that were Dobby the house elf's worldly possessions, this will was found hidden at Hogwarts itself. It was proven to be Lord Voldemort's own will after testing by the Ministry of Magic, and may actually alter the distribution of the worldly possessions of the Darkest wizard in living memory._

The Last Will and Testament of Lord Voldemort (also called You-Know-Who, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and grudgingly known as Tom Marvolo Riddle)

I, Lord Voldemort, being of sound mind and body (and curses to all of you that would argue I am criminally insane), do leave this record to be executed in the unlikely event of my demise.

I doubt seriously that this will shall ever be needed. However, as I have just returned from a state of powerlessness which I would have thought impossible fourteen years ago, I now authorize this testament to take effect should the unthinkable and nearly impossible occur.

Firstly, to Bellatrix Lestrange, my greatest and most loyal lieutenant, I leave my wand, my pet snake Nagini, and my favorite cauldron, in which I was resurrected by an ancient Dark Magic potion.

To Rodolphus Lestrange, I leave a tissue.

To Lucius Malfoy, I leave my collection of ancient tomes, so that he may continue to educate his son on those topics Hogwarts does not deign to cover.

To Narcissa Malfoy, I leave a mirror.

To Severus Snape, loyal Death Eater through many perils, I bequeath the contents of my Gringotts vault and several bottles of shampoo.

To Dolores Umbridge, I leave a lovely embossed locket. I haven't even gone to the trouble of cursing it. This is just a token for a job well done.

To Kreacher the house elf, I leave a bowl of potion.

To Albus Dumbledore, who should be feeling very proud now that he has finally seen me dead, I leave my congratulations and my favorite set of dress robes in an ornate box, which are by no means cursed and will certainly not strangle to death anyone that touches them; and Nagini's dear friend Liaza the boa constrictor, who would never try to eat a phoenix.

To Remus Lupin, I leave a Wolfsbane potion, perfectly brewed, with no silver or anything harmful in it at all.

To Sirius Black, who did such a fantastic job of distracting Aurors and Ministry officials who might have otherwise spent their time looking for real Death Eaters, I leave a press-on tattoo of the Dark Mark.

To Peter Pettigrew, also known as Wormtail, I gift the silver dagger used in my resurrection ceremony.

To Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, I leave a piece of paper on which I have written the words _Avada Kedavra_. Just in case.

To Hermione Granger, filthy Mudblood though she is, I bequeath a fantastic invention called a hairbrush, which she has obviously never heard of.

To Ronald Weasley, I leave a Knut.

To Minerva McGonagall, I leave a litterbox, which is of course filled with litter and not doxy eggs.

To Filius Flitwick, I leave a Gobbledygook dictionary.

To Pomona Sprout, I leave a cutting of Devil's Snare.

To Cornelius Fudge, who has been so helpful in hiding my return from the wizarding public, I leave a blood red bowler cap with the Dark Mark printed on it. Wear it well.

To Alastor Moody, I leave the last Time Turner in Britain. This is likely the most valuable thing in this will, and I will take great pleasure in knowing he will likely blast it apart, convinced it is cursed, before realizing there was nothing wrong with it at all.

To Rubeus Hagrid, I give a perfectly friendly manticore.

To Sybill Trelawney, I leave a fine old crystal ball which is of course not charmed so that an image of me walks in every half minute and casts the Killing Curse in an attempt to scare her to death.

And lastly, to Augustus Rookwood, who wanted to be mentioned in my will, I bid goodbye.

Should any of those mentioned above die before this will passes into effect, then the things which were bequeathed to them should be put into a pool. The names of the remaining heirs should be placed into a hat, and names should be drawn for each item. No Death Eater should receive any of the items meant for outsiders, nor any other person inherit any item meant for a Death Eater. Imprisonment in Azkaban does not excuse any heir from their obligation to accept their inheritance.

Finally, I wish to remind anyone who might read this will in the future of a few undeniable facts. First, Lord Voldemort is - or was - the greatest wizard of all time. Second, he went further along the path to immortality than any other. And thirdly, he will never really be gone, because wizardkind will still fear to speak his name for many, many years to come.

Fondest greetings (or, in some cases, well and carefully chosen curses) to you all,

Tom Marvolo Riddle

I am Lord Voldemort


End file.
